I’m not giving money to those people reaction.

This is one of the more simple responses to being stuck in church. When I first became an militant atheist my first assault against the faith-based legions was not to tip the Church when my friend’s kid was baptized. Ironic note is that my friend was an atheist, but decided to go along with the ceremony to keep his wife happy.

What the hell is that? reaction.

Confession: I grew up Baptist. No, not the pro-slave Baptist (i.e., Southern Baptist), but Baptist all the same. I grew up in a church where the cross was bare — nothing but wood and poorly sublimated guilt. Walking into a Catholic church for the first time at age 16 was quite the experience for me. No one told me that every Catholic church was rated R due to violence. I mean, there is a guy up there who was having the worst day in his life. (Cursing the fig tree wasn’t one of his best moments, but crucifixion trumps that.)

Holding hands? Really, we’re doing that? reaction.

Religion can ambush any atheist, no matter how prepared he or she may be. For example, I was going to a reception for a friend of mine who had just came back form her honeymoon. I was expecting alcohol (she’s English, and likes the drink), a few pictures, and good times. However, what I wasn’t prepared for was a prayer circle. What’s worse is that the hygiene requirements for joining the circle seem pretty low. There was no five minute buzzer to alert people to wash their hands before the event. Disturbing on so many levels.

Me? Yeah, I got into that circle for a few reasons.

And I’m not raising my hands for Jesus either.

Nuremberg rally reaction.

When I fist started dating my wife we went down to visit my parents in Florida. Now my then girlfriend grew up in a happy Massachusetts liberal church (obviously they didn’t read 80% of the good book). Hell wasn’t discussed. It was all about the love. Not so much in my parents mini mega-church. (It was a big place, but not a full blown Apatosaurus size church.) There was hell, homosexuals in hell, and families bringing their bound third generation family Bibles to the service. I tried to warn her, but you can’t really comprehend the hive-mind unless you see it up close.

I’m contacting the Freedom From Religion Foundation reaction.

That giant manger display that’s up every Christmas on municipal property in the city where you live bugs the crap out of you? Contact the FFRF. That’s why they’re there.

Oh, I’m a big believer in Jesus, Mohammed, or whatever thing you guys are into reaction.

I used to go into Southie, traditionally an Irish enclave in Boston, back in the day to see the St Patrick’s Day Parade. During those times I was Andrew McWhateverIrishNameICanThinkOf. Why take my chances when being in a mob fueled by poverty, alcohol, and love of the Pope?

I’m going to talk about that crazy religious stuff the next time I do stand-up reaction

I was at an open mic in Somerville a few nights ago and one of the comics spent her entire time onstage talking about her reaction to the doctrine of transubstantiation. She grew up Catholic, and when her priest told her that the communion wafer magically became the actual body of Christ, well, she had a hard time swallowing it.

She was funny — almost as funny as that comic who did a bit referencing Occam’s Razor.

That was the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard reaction.

The following is a true story. I was dating this girl years ago, and after we had sex she told me about this group she belonged to that offered a two day intensive seminar at the low price of 800 dollars. The seminar offered the student (adherent?) ground breaking strategies on how to improve his or her life. The organization then allowed you to take more classes — at a very low cost — to make your life even more awesome.

“That sounds like the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard,” I replied.

Not the smartest thing to do, let me say that. I had come across much more stupid crap than that.

You would think my quip and the fact that she belonged in some sort of cult (the group turned out to be The Forum, which is a kinder gentler version of EST (Erhard Seminar Training)) would’ve ended the relationship quickly. But would greatly underestimate my ability to be in a dysfunctional relationship, my friends.